Balancing Life With Your S.O.
A good friend of mine recommend I touch on this topic - moving in with a significant other, an “SO,” and balancing life with them - and I am so grateful she did because moving in with a SO for the first time is, for lack of a better word, terrifying, and I hope to ease your fears by discussing it.
I know it is blurry, but this is one of my all-time favorite photos of the two of us.
True Life: I Moved in with “my person” after only a few months of dating.
I’m not recommending everyone do that. But if you have found your person, go all in. I promise you you won’t regret it.
Let me premise by saying: Do not move in with your SO unless you genuinely feel it is the right move. Please, do not take your intuition for granted. We know and feel what is right more than we allow ourselves to. If you feel, deep down, that this is the right move to make, then go for it! If you don’t, pass on the opportunity. You will find your person to move in with when the time is right for both of you.
I had the opportunity to move in with a SO once (before Logan). I had dated someone for a few years. We were both graduating, and it seemed like the obvious next step for the both of us. But, I couldn’t help but listen to my intuition telling me, “No.” Telling me to choose myself and my own dreams at that point in time.
Flash forward to life with Logan, my person, and I undeniably knew he was the person I was meant to be with: to move in with and to start a life with. Gosh, I wish I could put the feeling into more words than, “When you know, you know.” It is just so damn true. I’m telling you: your heart and your mind align and you will know for certain that you are with the person you are supposed to be with.
I am a true believer in the notion that God/the Universe gives us signs that we are on the right/wrong path, and that it is up to us to take a step back and notice these signs. Trust me. Logan didn’t grow up religious, but he will testify to the fact that we have both received signs that we are undeniably meant to be together. I grew up a believer, but hearing him confirm it could not have made me more certain of this fact. (And gosh, I’m so lucky to have him! And I know he’d say the same of me!)
I know I am fortunate to have had this experience so early on; to have met my person and to have learned these relationship lessons. I am incredibly grateful, and I truly believe it was for a reason — so that I could pass along what I’ve learned to others and to help others realize that waiting until you KNOW and FEEL you have your person is the only way to go.
SO, lets get into what I’ve learned:
We are all individuals. We have our own quirks and tendencies. These are what make us who we are. Appreciate the quirks that make you you and that make your person who they are.
Accept that you are a work in progress and that you could, and should, better yourself.
I am an EXTREMELY messy person. I am anal about dirt and sanitation, but clutter, aka clothing on the floor, I am okay with. (Or, I used to be okay with.) Growing up and in college, and my college roommates can attest to this, my room was full of clutter and clothes scattered across the floor. Logan is not like this. He is a rare breed of man that is innately clean and organized. Pat - Logan’s mom - I thank you and I love you for instilling this value in your son. When Logan and I moved in together, I knew I had to change and become more neat and organized. Almost 3 years later - I am so grateful for it. Life is way less stressful when your space is clean and orderly.
Remember that we are all a work in progress. Instead of fighting our SO, consider the fact that they might be improving us for the better, because they typically are.
Deeper into the quirks: Love the quirks that make your SO who they are .
I’m a weirdo. So is Logan. We didn’t know this about each other, of course, until we were deeper into our relationship. (Well, not that deep… we we’re pretty honest at the get-go. Which EVERYONE should be - please, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, reveal your true self right away. It took me some time to do this, but I was nothing but my true, annoying and sarcastic self with Logan and I know that is why I found my person.) At the beginning, obviously, you try to show the best version of yourself always, but that isn’t the reality. We’re all individuals with our own quirks and unless you accept another’s quicks, it won’t work. Be your weirdo self! We’re all weirdos, and your person will accept the weirdo in you.
COMMUNICATE. Communication, as cliché as it sounds, is the key to ANY relationship. You must be open and honest about everything if you are living together. Do you love your alone time at night? Tell your partner. Do you hate when dishes are in the sink? TELL YOUR PARTNER. You MUST communicate with your partner. I’m capitalizing so many words because I truly believe communication is key to any successful relationship. You need to discuss your wants, needs, pet-peeves, etc. with your partner if you plan on moving in with each other and having a successful life together. Being honest might initially result in some arguments or disagreements, but feel free to fight it out! Your relationship will not grow if you do not take the time to discuss your feelings and, well, fight. Fighting, and I mean arguing or disagreeing, allows you to hear the other’s opinion and learn where he/she is coming from. It also helps you realize that your opinion is not always the right one, and that compromise is essential for any relationship. Fight it out, and then take some time to your selves (at this point, with Logan and I, it is only a five-ten minutes - but it took time to get there!,) to dissect the argument and truly dive into what the issue is. Dive deep into what the other is thinking and WHY he/she is thinking that. It’ll rock your world for the better. I guarantee it.
This next tip ties along with communication: TALK IT OUT. I heard the following saying from a number of people, so I apologize for not crediting the source: “DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY.” Gosh, I can’t preach this enough. Logan and I, no matter how we’re feeling or how irritated we are with each other, never go to bed angry, and we never leave the room without saying, “I love you.” I’m serious. We say “I love you,” every time we take the dog out, every time we close the door behind us, and every time we hang up the phone. The lives we have should never be taken for granted. Appreciate the time you have with your person. If you love someone, tell them every chance you get. Even if you are angry with each other. Say “I love You.” If anything bad happens, you will regret it. And isn’t life so much better with love in it?
Think before you speak. Growing up, I always thought before I spoke. So much so that I was seen as quiet and shy because I didn’t want to speak up until I knew, for certain, what I was saying was true and accurate. (I was truly an anal perfectionist as a child.) As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I neglected to practice this when arguing with Logan less than a minute ago. During the argument, I fully thought I was in the right. Two minutes later, I realize, once I’ve had time to process the argument and really comprehend where each of us was coming from, I am wrong in a number of ways. We are forever meant to learn from one another. It is okay to be stubborn (and, I believe, it makes life more interesting to be stubborn ;) ) but it is our duty to take a step back and analyze the situation — our feelings and reasoning as well as our person’s. Only then can we move forward and come to an understanding or agreement. (I also have to note: a family trait of mine is to argue and then to come to our senses and forgive two seconds later. Little did I know this family trait was teaching me how to be a good partner all along! )
Set aside time for “Alone Time.” It is easy to get caught up in each other, especially if you’ve just moved in with each other, but setting aside alone time or time for yourselves is key to any successful relationship. In all honesty, my partner and I struggle with this. Logan is an expert in organizing his time and relies on our time after work to hone in on our relationship. I, on the other hand, am not an expert in time management, and I rely on my time before and after work to hone in on my passions (this blog, for instance) as well as my alone time with my man. I am awful at following a schedule or designating an hour before Logan comes home to my blogging/studying. HOWEVER, we’re learning, and it has taken some time to learn this, that we are both unique individuals with different needs throughout the day. He is able to stay up late and wake up early, getting everything he needs to get done between the hours of 9 and 6. I am someone who needs 9+ (okay, 11+) hours of sleep, many breaks throughout the day, and a lax schedule to get my side projects done. We’re different, in the best way, and we’re continuously learning how to deal with each other. I wish I had an exact answer for how to schedule your alone time and partner time, but I really believe a lot of communication has to happen between two individuals in order to find the best fit for you both. Logan and I are still working through this, 2.5 years in, but we’re getting to a place where we each know each other’s limits (more so, my limits).
Do not forgo your hobbies. This ties along with the above suggestion. Do not sacrifice your loves and hobbies for your significant other. If your SO does not appreciate your hobbies and love you for them, then, please, kick them to the curb. Logan doesn’t understand all of my hobbies, and he may give me shit for some of them, but, if it is something that truly means a lot to me, he is 100% supportive. I’ve been in relationships where this wasn’t the case, and it made me feel less than. WE WERE NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO FEEL LESS THAN. We all have God-given talents that we are mean to wow the world with. If someone you are with or associated with puts your talents or loves down, get rid of them. Plain and simple. They are not meant to be in your life. You will find your people when the time is right who will support you and encourage your dreams no matter what.
I’d like to add something here: nixing friends throughout the years if they don’t align with my passions has appeared to be easy for me.
I have been a part of many friend groups, mainly because I have aways valued individual friendship more than a group appeal (blame my shyness, empathy, or what have you), and I always appreciated having friends in different “groups” (we all know, growing up, everything is split up into groups, unfortunately), because I value different perspectives and different individuals. People are so AMAZING. Everyone has an incredible life story and reason why they are here today. I truly love people - so much so that I, even if it doesn’t come across that way because I was taught to be strong and stubborn, have struggled deeply with the loss of friendships. And I will say, I have pushed aside my dearest friends during dark moments when I shouldn’t have. (Thank the lord those friends are the truest of friends that could be and they are still here to this day —> my college babes, you know who you are, and I love you dearly. ) My college years were a learning process - I had never come across such devoted, true friends in my entire life. I did not know what to do when things went wrong during my early 20s. I now know that if it is meant to be, it truly is meant to be. Your people, whether it be friends or an SO, are there to build you up and support you, even in the hardest of times. True friends, even if you have a falling out or if you are truly horrible toward them, will be there for you when you need them most. DO NOT TAKE THOSE RELATIONSHIPS FOR GRANTED. They are your soulmates. If you feel a draw toward them, a pull in a sense, follow that pull. Your intuition is everything, and it is leading you toward your people.
Determine rolls: cleaning, bills, etc.
Okay, you moved in with your SO and now you have to deal with alllll the bills. I will say that during college, I took it upon myself to be in charge of the bills/rent. I’m not sure if this was me practicing for the real world or being my anal, controlling self, lol, but I did it. And I HIGHLY recommend doing the same in college or early on in life so that you have practice and experience in handling bills. When I moved in with my SO, however, things changed. Logan made more money than me. And, I will admit, a lot more money than me. So it didn’t make sense for me to be in charge of everything or pay upfront for everything anymore (real life, and I mean, outside of college-town life, is hard and EXPENSIVE, man.) Because of the income discrepancy, we decided on a rent division that worked best for us. And I am so grateful to have a partner that was open to dividing rent and bills fairly. I am younger than Logan and at a much earlier stage in my career, so I cannot afford the luxuries that he can. And he was so understanding! (this is where “when you know, you know” definitely comes in to play).
My boyfriend grew up in a Midwestern town (IC, whaddup!) and lived a normal, middle class life as I did. We both know the value of a dollar, and we both strive to make the best use of our earned money. So when it came to living together, we both wanted to get the most out of our combined income. I HIGHLY recommend sitting down with your SO to determine your values and housing needs. Logan and I were, luckily, on the same page, but it could’ve differed. Figure out what your wants and needs are, and then determine who will be responsible for what payment, and how much of each payment.
Honestly, living with a SO comes down to communication, and communication alone. You two have to figure out what your (combined) wants and needs are, and then go from there. If you are unable to do so, then nix that person (your current SO) from the equation. You are a gem, and you deserve to do life with none other than an equally amazing person. Put yourself first, and your true SO will fall into your life before you know it. I guarantee it.
xoxo, Rach
Any other tips you have for moving in with a significant other? Let me know! We’re all a work in progress, and I’d love to hear your insights/what you’ve learned.